me and my thoughts.

heLo. yup. two problems off my mind now. i hope. one definitely solved...phew...i have learnt my lesson and will never never get myself into this kind of trouble anymore. this kind of uncertainty. and i guess i shall not think too much over it. everything will be fine. i will get to fulfil my dreams. i know i will. i will keep my word.

see the speed of time? seems so many years since i last saw you, which was only a few days back?
i like the familiar feeling standing beside you. i know you wont hurt me. yet i was afraid you wont catch me when i fall. i felt so alone. do you? maybe you did. sorry for being cruel to you. i just want you to know the past are already gone. we cant find them back anymore. we wouldn't have time for each other. and now, we cant even get into the saem schools. our dreams are all diminished. dreams of being able to see each other everyday once again, all , diminished. what if, u takes a plane and just fly to a faraway land. and we may, never ever meet again.

i appreciate the two years, actually one year of knowing you, truely, as a person.
i learn to tolerate your temper, i learn to say yes, i learnt not to say sorry so often.
i learnt alot alot.....which not anyone else, except you, can give.
i miss those times. i really do. yet i find no way out. no way for us to be together again. it seems to end our story, eversince 2005 begins. I thought, we could try. But it seems, we havn't even tried. I thought, we could have a future together, as long as both of us are truthful to each other. I thought i could trust you, i thought i could give my life to you. Yet i start to doubt my trust in you. You left me alone, or do you think it was the other way round? who had want this to happen? none of us. our dreams....will never be fulfiled. Everytime i thought of this, tears would just start flowing. There's so much i wanted to say to you. But never was i given a chance. I wished i could change the situation, but the way i am me, the way i am......i dont have the strength anymore. to try. to risk. my life.

i know. i know i will surely regret. i will. yet. i find myself unable to salvage the present situation at all. i cant. i dont have the strength anymore. i didn't know what to do. you didn't tell me anything. about our future. whic i know there isnt anything to be talked of.

I really wished we had treasured our time together more. If only, we knew out time is so short...running out. Yet we didnt treasure it....you gave me the cold shoulder that day. Yet i tolerated it. once and again. I knew it right from the start, someday i have to face it. I have to face reality that you will leave this place..and might never return anymore. who knows. i truly recognise the importance of studies to us. both. i dont wish to do anything now. cos i dont want this matter to hurt you anymore. i dont want the sunshine you to be raining....my heart feels the piercing pain whenever you are sad. I will be at a lost. I always believe...nvm...it's better when one suffers than two suffer.

I dont wish to cause you any more unhappiness. I remember that eversince you meet me, there has been too much of unhappy situations. which haunts me. I didnt wish for them to happen either. I miss the closeness we have. which we find no reason to try now. we find no way out at all. and the thing..i havnt give you.

i sometimes wonder...it's been so long....why.........why cant i get over it? why is this the worse i have ever felt before? because it's my true love given out? because i find that i wont have a chance to see you anymore? because i feel you drifting further and further away from me? why does it seemed you dont like me anymore. You are not anxious anymore. You have no feelings anymore...or........you never had it once....never at all. what is it? answer me.......answer my call to you. why......cant i find the strength to love. why cant i find the courage to give you my love. why do i feel like surrendering...giving you all up. i feel awful, mysery.......sad............

i know a million tears wont bring you back, because i have cried.

i know there are no more chances for us......i know what i want. i want to focus on my studies. i believe you too?
can i speak to you? i really, truly want to continue our relationship. but, after our studies. isit okie? will we change? will we fall in love with other people? loads of uncertainty rushing into my mind. why cant more time be given for us two? why must we be separated? are we not meant for each other? I thought we always did. I miss you terribly. help. i miss....you.

i alwaus end up in tears. i thought i could walk away but i was always wrong. i thought i will get over it soon. i was wrong again. i thought i was strong. i thought time will heal....i thought.......i just saw you when i close my eyes....why do i miss you so.....why cant i control my tears? why cant i see you again? answer me.

thoughts of you so true

hmm..3 weeks passed since we last met. The feelings are still there. The memories are still there. The warmth in your arms..all remains. Yet somehow i feel time really can make me tired. Tired of trying..I've already done all i could, havn't i? Yet, I dont feel the love returned to me in a way i want it to be. Is this my first love? Is this your first love? I dont even know what's our relationship about...are we "friends" all this while? But it's ridiculous...i cannot believe that after all that we've been through..been so far...you only treated me as a friend?

Den why do you make me believe you like me..and in the end leaving me by myself? Why do you ask me to email you when you dont plan to reply my mails at all? Am i still in a dream? Isit time for me to wake up to reality? Have i been imagining that you came to look for me...you like me..You came to look for me specially cos u miss me isnt it. You told me personally and i seldom hears such words from you. "i miss you" your ego is so huge you wouldnt say such things. I was touched that day..really touched..yet i didnt know how to react when i met you on the bus. Cos i know u are acting. You dont mean to be so friendly to me isnt it? That's why i didn't want to talk much to you..didnt want to pay much attention to you. You are not the boy i know on the bus. I can see it. Dont hide from me.

You are probably awake now..rushing your tutorials. I dont like the kind of tone u speak to me...when you sound so above me..you are just a wooden block who dont care about a gal's feelings. You are a spoilt-child. Cos u have everything u could have in the world. Losing me..your world..isnt important to you at all? I really want to question you..when you said i am your world...are you lying to me or do you mean it? Why dont you show it..why dont i feel like your world. I feel like a stranger to you..an outsider..cos i find it hard to step into your world. Life is a torture for me. I wished i had never met you. I wouldn't have known what misery feels like. I wouldn't feel what sadness feels like. I wouldn't...

I wished i had not fallen in love with you..and i wished you have loathed me right from the start. Why do you still treat it like nothing has happened..and still cared for me the next day? It wasn't meant to be for us at all. Right now, I shall just treat it as a dream...a dream for i can never reached. A dream i can say that my wish came true once..will it come true again? I am afraid to face the next one..for i cant handle it anymore...I have to use all my energy on studies. No more playing. Ok? I must keep this in mind. Study study and study once i get into a JC.

Walk away from the past..for the past were long forgotten. It only bring back patches of memories which seems flowing so far away from me. They never return. So why should i look back? Besides, i am right now too tired to think of you anymore..too tired to think of our future..or rather we dont have a future at all...well..say farewell to you? Hope you leave this place soon...so we dont meet anymore...is there anymore chances for us? let fate answers our question.

unforgotten past..dreams ahead..>.<

-* i miss u *-

Miss those days when i could see you everyday..
i know that if we truly love each other,
distance would never bring our hearts apart..
cos you live in my heart.

Even if i missed you very very much,
even if i wake up in the middle of the night crying,
i can take it. I dont wish to become ur burden,
so i chose not to complain every single thing to you.

Felt really happy for you.
That you have got into a school which you have always dreamt of.
The kind of study environment you have always needed.
And now, with all the facilities provided, plus your hard work.
I believe you can achieve success in the near future.

By then, even if you forget about me, it's alright.
Cos..i understand clearly..the many differences and boundaries between us.
The many reasons why we cant be together.
Two persons who like each other so much,
who dont bear to leave each other..yet they cant be together.
Is this another love story that will allows lessons to be learnt?
That one should never fall in love so easily..and not at the wrong time...

Many years later, you might return.
That, i am not sure. I do not have too much of my lifetime to wait for you.
Life is short. Please forgive me if, in the future, you return...and found that...
i gave up on waiting for you...Please..forgive me..cos i could not underbear the loneliness in the nights.

I see you in my dreams..and longed to touch you.
But..i couldn't. The moment i want to touch you,
you drifted away from me..and i woke up.
I waited...and waited...for the day we meet again.

Finally..you did not disappoint me..you answered my prayer.
I was touched. A soft touch by you..did a little dance in my heart.
The long-awaiting anticipation could not stop my heart from beating so fast.

I wished you were my boy. I wished i could call you my boy. But...I am afraid..That..if i continue to like you, you will live in misery once again. I dont want to affect you studies like this. I regretted not trying hard enough not to fall in love with you. Yet, i make a mistake. A mistake that changed my life. The mistake does noe lie in falling in love with the wrong person. But...it lies in the consequences caused after that. It's always better..when one suffers rather than two right..? I dont know..but..maybe i thinks..alot.

wishing so hard ...praying so hard...that i could finally pass my hand-stitched gem for you.
wishing that you would let me feel your arms again.
wishing i was living in the past.
wishing we wouldn't grow old..wishing we could see each other everyday..wishing..that..there are no restrictions from parents over what we are doing..enough...cant be so greedy.....

memories fading...so does the pain. wanna see you again. wanna feel you again.

*wished that you are here for me when i needed you the most*

...that you heard my prayers in the night.
...that you know how much i miss you.
...that you know i wouldn't give up on loving you.
...that you know what miseries i am having.
...that you could give me one hug a day.
...that you sms me..call me..visit me.
...that you remember me always...even when we had no choice but to leave each other...please..do...remember me..my name..my face...and our story.

-* wished upon the stars for the eternal bliss *-